What is Emotional Incest? Keys to Positive Parenting
Emotional, covert and enmeshment incest are terms that describe what happens when a child is “parentified” to take care of the emotional needs of a parent or caregiver.*
Many of us grew up in households that were dysfunctional, where boundaries between parents and adults were blurred in unhealthy ways. What this looks like is a parent treating their child as a partner, relying on them for emotional support and care. Here are some of the ways parents can cross this line:
Asking a Child for Advice
When a parent turns to their child for advice about marital issues, sexual problems, financial worries, etc. this blurs the boundaries and causes the child to feel anxiety they should not be privy to.
Ego Booster
Narcissistic parents often look to their children to give them a much-needed ego boost. With the parent’s ego being a priority, the child’s emotional needs take a backseat.
BFF Syndrome
A parent should never be best friends with their child as this results in many boundaries being blurred. And a child should never be a trusted confidante to their parent.
Therapist
Parents that turn to their child for comfort during an emotional crisis rob the child of learning age-appropriate socialization. These children will, most likely, grow into codependent adults, seeking approval from others taking care of THEIR emotional needs.
Emotional Incest Outcomes:
Trouble setting healthy boundaries
Eating disorders
Self-harm
Low self-esteem
Sexual intimacy issues
Substance abuse/addiction
Obsessive/compulsive issues
*One of the most misunderstood forms of emotional abuse, which is why so many people suffer from it without realizing the impact it has on their romantic relationships. Although not of a sexual nature, it can be referred to as “incest” because the unhealthy emotional interactions and outcomes of this family dynamic are just as psychologically inappropriate.
What is Positive Parenting?
Positive parenting refers to a parenting style that relies on warmth, nurturing, and mindfulness. It reinforces good behavior and avoids using harsh forms of discipline. Positive parenting has been shown to facilitate numerous favorable outcomes and better overall mental health. Below are strategies for positive parenting that cover three main components.
1. Regulate Your Own Emotions
It is very common for parents, either consciously or unconsciously, to take their bad emotions out on their children. To parent positively means you have got to get a hold of your own emotions so you interact with your child in a kind, loving, and honest manner.
2. Focus on Strengthening the Parent-Child Connection
It can be easier said than done, but each interaction with your child must strengthen the connection between you both. When a parent-child connection is strong, the child will feel safe and be able to trust.
3. Love Your Child Unconditionally
Many punishment techniques throughout the years rely on a parent “withdrawing” their love. This conditional love can cause great emotional and psychological harm to your child. Instead, focus on being a coach and mentor to your child, offering them loving guidance and reassurance to help them manage their emotions and behaviors.
In summary, when a child grows up and leaves an unhealthy environment, that does not mean they won’t experience any lasting repercussions, it is quite common to suffer at least one of the outcomes listed above. The good news is, victims of emotional incest can heal and live a healthy and satisfying life filled with strong emotional connections. As a family therapist, I know the importance of tapping into a person’s potential and can help guide you in becoming the loving and compassionate person and/or parent you want to be. If you believe you are suffering from lingering effects of emotional incest and would like to begin your healing process, please be in touch with me. I’m happy to be a source of help for you and discuss how you can move forward positively.
Your mental health partner,