A TIME FOR GROWTH AND RENEWAL. THERE IS LIGHTNESS AND FRESHNESS THAT COMES WITH KNOWLEDGE.
Rewrite Your Story: Forgiving Yourself & Moving Forward
Uniting Love-Navigating the Beauty & Challenges of Interfaith Relationships
ADHD & Relationships - Nurturing Love Through Understanding
Sleep Matters: A Comprehensive Guide to Restful Nights
Rise into the Light: Discover Your Authentic Self & Heal from Codependency
Unmasking the Illusion
NeuroNexus: Deciphering the Mind-Brain Enigma
The Therapist’s Insight: Nurturing Sympathy, Empathy & Compassion
A Therapeutic Odyssey: The Healing Wonders of Travel for Mind, Body, and Soul Renewal

Rewrite Your Story: Forgiving Yourself & Moving Forward

Don’t skip this one, it’s all about you.

The silent killer: intergenerational Trauma

Intergenerational trauma is the transmission of the effects of trauma from one generation to the next. It occurs when trauma experiences are not adequately addressed, and subsequent generations continue to experience the repercussions of the original trauma. The effects can be long-lasting and may include feelings of fear, grief, loss, anxiety, depression, anger, helplessness, and hopelessness. Individuals may also experience physical symptoms such as headaches, fatigue, and sleep disturbances.

In the words of Bessel Van der Kolk (who wrote “The Body Keeps the Score”), the ability to feel safe is “probably the most important aspect of mental health”. When we grow up with family dynamics that make us feel unsafe and unvalidated in our feelings and experiences, we can struggle to move past our personal and familial trauma.

One of our jobs in therapy is to help our clients experience what is known as felt safety, which is an empathetic relationship based on the therapist’s unconditional acceptance of the individual’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

When dealing with generational trauma, it's essential to help individuals understand that the problem is not necessarily something they have created but rather something they have inherited.

Some ways to break intergenerational trauma may include:

  1. Seek therapy: Therapy can help individuals and families process and heal from trauma. It can also help individuals develop coping skills and improve communication within the family. Recognition of the trauma and its impact can create a safe and supportive space for those affected and reduce any stigma and shame associated with the event.

  2. Seek out cultural and community resources: Seek support from trusted friends, family, and mental health professionals, and utilize resources such as group therapy, community-based interventions, and support groups. Connecting to these resources can provide a sense of belonging and connection that can be helpful in breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma.

  3. Engage in healing practices: Taking care of your physical and emotional health is important to stimulate healing. Practicing meditation, mindfulness, exercising, or engaging in any activity that brings you joy and relaxation can be helpful in managing symptoms of trauma, reducing stress, and promoting overall well-being.

  4. Create connections: Connect with others by building social support networks with those who have similar experiences. This can help to create a sense of belonging and promote healing.

  5. Educate yourself: Understanding trauma's historical and cultural context can help individuals and communities better understand and process their experiences. This may involve reading books, attending lectures, and engaging in dialogue with others who have experienced similar traumas. Addressing these issues can be empowering and help prevent future traumatic events.

It takes immense strength and resilience to confront the painful legacy of past generations, but the rewards of doing so are immeasurable. Through this healing process, we transform ourselves and create a better future for those who come after us.

If you are experiencing trauma or need support, I am here to support you every step of the way. I am always a phone call or email away.

Your mental health partner,

Nicolle

explore your love strategy

A Love Strategy is the unique way in which you arrive at the experience of feeling loved. We each have a unique love strategy, comprised of a certain look, touch, phrase or behavior. Once you know what that strategy is, you can consciously use the strategy to elicit desired emotional states. You can use awareness of you and your partner's strategies to heighten love and intimacy within your relationship, resulting in a much better chance of each person feeling truly loved by their love partner.

the elements of a love strategy

When we are first in a relationship, we are showering our partner with love in all forms:

  • Visual-the need to see love – that special look, flowers, that thoughtful gift, romantic getaways, acts or gestures, rose petals on the bed…

  • Auditory: the need to hear it – whispered words of love, sensual talk, the tone of voice, special talk, poetry…

  • Kinaesthetic: the need to feel love – the touch of your loved one in a specific way or place (holding hands, cuddling close, an unexpected kiss)..

We may have fallen into the habit of conveying our love by doing the same things to or for our partner that makes us feel loved. As a result, we can go years expressing love to one another without anyone ever really feeling loved. The person might “know” they are loved, but not really “feel” loved.

To discover your love strategy, explore the following exercise:

Remember a time in your life when you felt totally and completely loved. A specific time. Feel, see and hear everything you felt, saw and heard then. Be IN the experience (as opposed to observing yourself from a distance).

In your memory, make note of:

  • What was it that had you feel totally loved in this instance?

  • Was the person showing you by: buying you things, taking you places, going out of their way to do something for you or looking at you a certain way?

  • Was the person talking to you in a certain way? And if so, what were they saying?

  • Was the person affectionate with you in a certain way?

How do you know you are loved by someone?

Discover which is most important to you by process of elimination. You may find that you need two modalities at once, or one following the other. Educate each other on which expressions ignite your deep love strategy and work on giving it to each other. May your day be filled with lots of love!

Your mental health partner,

Nicolle

Dealing With Loneliness & Implementing Self-Care this Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s day is just around the corner. It’s a holiday that involves celebrating with the one you love. But for others, Valentine’s Day is a sad reminder that they are single or are perhaps grieving the recent lot of their significant other. If you are celebrating it alone this year, here are a few ways you can alleviate that loneliness and practice copious amounts of self-care.

Give Yourself a Break or Take a Personal Day

This year Valentine’s Day falls on a Tuesday, so most of us are going to have to go to work. It’s bad enough to feel lonely, but it’s even worse to scold yourself for doing so. Loneliness is not an indication that you’re doing anything wrong or that there is something wrong and unlovable about you. Even people that are in relationships can feel lonely. Loneliness affects everyone at some point in their life. If you can manage taking a personal day, consider doing it or buy yourself a little gift on the way home from work. Self-care is about stopping, relaxing, and reconnecting with ourselves.

Show Your Love for Others

This is a great time to show your affection and appreciation for the wonderful people in your life, not just a romantic partner. Get your best friend a box of chocolates or your mom a bouquet of flowers. Put a card on your neighbor’s windshield and your coworker’s computer monitor. You can be filled with love by being loved, and you can be filled with love by loving others. The more love YOU show, the more love you will feel inside. And you would be amazed at how the loneliness quickly slips away when you are full of love. Don’t let the commercialism of the holiday make you feel alone and isolated.

Take Yourself Out on a Date

If you find yourself a party of one, try and make the best of it by taking yourself out to a nice dinner. Is there a restaurant you love or have been wanting to try? Or, if you don’t like the idea of sitting at a table alone surrounded by couples, then order in your favorite food and watch your favorite movie. Wind down the day and take a nice long bath. Light some candles and sip a glass of wine. Commit to showing yourself more love and kindness throughout the year.

If you anticipate you’ll be feeling lonely this holiday, let’s schedule a session together for that day. I am happy to be a source you can always reach out to.

Your mental health partner,

Nicolle

What is Emotional Incest? Keys to positive parenting

Emotional, covert and enmeshment incest are terms that describe what happens when a child is “parentified” to take care of the emotional needs of a parent or caregiver.*
Many of us grew up in households that were dysfunctional, where boundaries between parents and adults were blurred in unhealthy ways. What this looks like is a parent treating their child as a partner, relying on them for emotional support and care. Here are some of the ways parents can cross this line:

Asking a Child for Advice

When a parent turns to their child for advice about marital issues, sexual problems, financial worries, etc. this blurs the boundaries and causes the child to feel anxiety they should not be privy to.

Ego Booster

Narcissistic parents often look to their children to give them a much-needed ego boost. With the parent’s ego being a priority, the child’s emotional needs take a backseat.

BFF Syndrome

A parent should never be best friends with their child as this results in many boundaries being blurred. And a child should never be a trusted confidante to their parent.

Therapist

Parents that turn to their child for comfort during an emotional crisis rob the child of learning age-appropriate socialization. These children will, most likely, grow into codependent adults, seeking approval from others taking care of THEIR emotional needs.

Emotional Incest Outcomes:

  • Trouble setting healthy boundaries

  • Eating disorders

  • Self-harm

  • Low self-esteem

  • Sexual intimacy issues

  • Substance abuse/addiction

  • Obsessive/compulsive issues

*One of the most misunderstood forms of emotional abuse, which is why so many people suffer from it without realizing the impact it has on their romantic relationships. Although not of a sexual nature, it can be referred to as “incest” because the unhealthy emotional interactions and outcomes of this family dynamic are just as psychologically inappropriate.

What is Positive Parenting?

Positive parenting refers to a parenting style that relies on warmth, nurturing, and mindfulness. It reinforces good behavior and avoids using harsh forms of discipline. Positive parenting has been shown to facilitate numerous favorable outcomes and better overall mental health. Below are strategies for positive parenting that cover three main components.

1. Regulate Your Own Emotions

It is very common for parents, either consciously or unconsciously, to take their bad emotions out on their children. To parent positively means you have got to get a hold of your own emotions so you interact with your child in a kind, loving, and honest manner.

2. Focus on Strengthening the Parent-Child Connection

It can be easier said than done, but each interaction with your child must strengthen the connection between you both. When a parent-child connection is strong, the child will feel safe and be able to trust.

3. Love Your Child Unconditionally

Many punishment techniques throughout the years rely on a parent “withdrawing” their love. This conditional love can cause great emotional and psychological harm to your child. Instead, focus on being a coach and mentor to your child, offering them loving guidance and reassurance to help them manage their emotions and behaviors.

In summary, when a child grows up and leaves an unhealthy environment, that does not mean they won’t experience any lasting repercussions, it is quite common to suffer at least one of the outcomes listed above. The good news is, victims of emotional incest can heal and live a healthy and satisfying life filled with strong emotional connections. As a family therapist, I know the importance of tapping into a person’s potential and can help guide you in becoming the loving and compassionate person and/or parent you want to be. If you believe you are suffering from lingering effects of emotional incest and would like to begin your healing process, please be in touch with me. I’m happy to be a source of help for you and discuss how you can move forward positively.

Your mental health partner,

Nicolle

Winter blues?-Get Ahead of seasonal depression

It’s that time of year again, when the clocks have fallen back and we’ve gained an hour. But for some people, the extra hour isn’t worth the fatigue and lack of motivation that come with it. If you live in a colder climate, you know it can be challenging dealing with a lack of sunlight and being stuck inside due to frigid temps during winter months. It is for these reasons many people experience what is called “the winter blues.”

But seasonal depression goes much deeper than this. The chaos of the holidays can distract us, but come January, our mood can really take a turn for the worse. Also known as Seasonal Affective Disorder – or SAD – seasonal depression results in fatigue, a loss of interest in socializing and activities, weight gain and more. Symptoms can usually last until the sunnier, warmer days of spring.

If any of this resonates with you, you may suffer from seasonal depression, BUT there are things you can do to stop it in its tracks this year:

Get outside / Use a Light Box

The daylight hours are short, so it is important to make the most of them. Since the lack of light is what causes seasonal depression, you need to make sure you are getting as much of that natural sunlight that you can soak up. Just because it is cold outside, does not mean that you can’t go outside. At the very least, get 15 to 20 minutes of direct sunlight per day. So bundle up and spend as much of the daylight hours as you can outdoors.

Light therapy lamps are a helpful alternative. These boxes beam artificial light that mimics sunshine and natural light. Sitting in front of one of these for a few minutes every day can help to alleviate some of the SAD symptoms. It is best to start using it each year in the beginning of fall, before your SAD symptoms even have a chance to take hold.

Eat a Proper Diet

When it’s cold and nasty out and we’re feeling sad and depressed, most of us will reach for those comfort foods that are laden with processed and refined sugars. But these foods will usually make us feel even more tired and depressed. To add insult to injury, eating bad foods only helps us to gain weight, which can make us feel more depressed. Best to stick to a diet consisting of rich whole foods.

Be Social

People with seasonal depression tend to isolate themselves during the winter months, and this can exacerbate the depression. Do your best to stay involved with your social circle. Friends can be a great support during this challenging time.

You may also want to speak with someone about how you’re feeling. Therapy can offer you tools and advice that will help you navigate your feelings. If you’d like more information about how counseling can help with seasonal depression, please give me a call!

Your partner in mental health,
Nicolle

holiday how-tos

Curbing Consumerism & Practicing new skills in an old environment

While the holidays can be a time of joy and gratitude, they can also be one of conflict or challenge. Try implementing these mindful changes that can profoundly impact the holiday season and alter how we connect and gather.

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In our affluent area and with the constant barrage of ads, marketing, and social media, we fight an uphill battle. We can easily get sucked into "more, more, more" and the upward comparison of keeping up with the Joneses. The best way to give your family perspective and a healthy relationship with money is to model it. Talk and help your family learn about spending, budgeting, giving, and saving. How you structure your holiday shopping is a great way to put your money where your mouth is, pun intended! Here are a few ideas to mix it up: 

  • Adventure gifts. Give gifts of time together rather than crossing things off your list. Think of what your family may enjoy together. Create family memories by trying a new activity your family hasn't tried yet, like heading up to the mountains, going for a hike or out to a show. The possibilities are endless!

  • Pick names. Lessen the load by encouraging each person to shop for one other person. This idea may foster creativity, thoughtfulness, and intentionality in gift-giving.

  • Set a limit. Make a budget for each person and stick to it. This idea can limit overspending and shift the culture of expectation in the family.

  • Serve together. Serving together can build community and bring joy. Instead of gifts, give your time and money to organizations in need.

  • Donate to non-profits. Give money to an organization in your loved one's name. Find something they are passionate about or provide a micro-loan to a developing global entrepreneur.

  • Buy socially minded products. Many organizations offer high-quality goods contributing to the makers living with empowerment, dignity, and purpose.

  • Give homemade gifts! If you're crafty or handy, make your own gifts for family members.

  • Balance the scales. Create categories with a set budget. Examples include donating to a charity or gifting an adventure gift. This idea can help us live within our means, not overspend, buy intentionally, and think outside ourselves.

  • Get creative! I recently heard of a family who goes downtown, gives each person a set amount of money, draws names, and then has an hour to shop for their person. There are points given for staying within budget, time limits, etc. At the end of the hour, everyone meets up for dinner to exchange gifts and stories.

Try new things to help your family embrace a balanced relationship with money and spending this holiday season!

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Heading home for the holidays can conjure the warm fuzzies of nostalgia and anxiety of old patterns or family conflict. Maybe you struggle with intense self-awareness, which has the potential to drown out your message and hinder connection. Going home can feel like the ultimate test when you have been working on improving yourself and your relationships. Spending time with family can often pull us into old patterns. Family systems tend to keep the status quo because change can be challenging to accept. People may try to restore balance when you start to act differently, hold boundaries, or question the family dynamics. Think about this as you have conversations this season. Are you concerned with being right, liked, or important? How can you gently shift focus on moments that invite people to come together with mutual humility? What might others be offering you in return? 

As you venture home for the holidays, tendencies to act in the old ways of the system exist. Here are some reminders as you practice new skills in an old environment:

  • Remember that you can only be responsible for yourself. You cannot control what others do or say or take responsibility for them. Speak for yourself, your experience, your needs, your feelings, and your hopes. Be mindful of making healthy choices for yourself and letting others make their own decisions.

  • Trust that everyone is doing the best they can. All families have disappointing moments, say hurtful things, or miss the mark. The stress of this time of year may increase these moments. Even the most unhelpful relating styles, both in ourselves and in others, usually come from a place of good intentions. The tactic may have helped early on in life, but now it may be backfiring. Remind yourself to assume the best in others. It will help you be more gracious to yourself and your family.

  • You are not the family therapist. After gaining awareness of yourself or your family's issues, it can be tempting to point out the dynamics or challenges others face. Be aware, speak honestly, and be gentle. Remember, your growth happens slowly and with gracious support, so it will for others if/when they are ready to see it.

  • Self-care, self-care, self-care! If you are anticipating a challenging day, schedule some downtime before and after to take care of yourself. Excuse yourself for a walk. Drink a cup of coffee in solitude. Go to bed when you need to. Call a trustworthy friend. Schedule a massage when you get home!

  • You will fail, and that's okay. Practicing new skills is clumsy at first. Imagine a junior high girl wearing heels for the first time. It's a little awkward! Eventually, you will grow into these new practices, and they will become second nature. Use this time with your family to increase your awareness of yourself. Be gentle with yourself when you fail. Journal your findings and use it as an opportunity to try again next time.

Wherever you are this season, I hope you can find meaningful connections with the people in your life and yourself. Finally, find joy in these moments with your family! Here's to a healthy & happy holiday season!

With gratitude on this journey,

Nicolle